July 2014

Connor:
This month Connor has started playing make believe. He likes to bring us cars to play with him. We then have car races around the sofa.He also likes to pretend to be different animals. He gets on all fours and makes dog or cat sounds or lies on his stomach and slides around being a snake. He also loves to help. He can take the gallon milk jug out of the frig, sweep the floor, throw away dirty diapers, and "wash" dishes.

This month our family started to watch baseball games and practice. We picked up a T-ball set for Connor. Daily he either practices his baseball of hitting the baseball off the T or throwing and catching the ball with his dad. If he isn't practicing baseball then he is hitting the golf ball around. He is an all american boy.

4th of July: 
We went to two different firework shows in the local area. We went with another family and shared snacks, kicked the soccer ball, and chatted while waiting for the firework show to start. Connor loved watching the fireworks but would jump every time one was shot off. I put my hands over his ears. I got distracted and when I looked back down I found him holding his own ears. Such a little smarty. The fireworks were HUGE, I guess its true everything in Texas is bigger. We are so grateful that we live in a land that we have our freedoms to worship, work, eat, and live in safety. thankful for all the men and women that sacrifice their time and lives to protect others.

Birthdays:
This month is birthday month for Logan and Hanna. We treated our selves to going out for dinner. We found a Mexican restaurant called Cristina's. We still like Los Cucos better. But with time I'm sure we will find a Mexican restaurant out here that beats any place we have been. After eating out we did our hobbies.

 For Hanna's birthday we went to downtown Dallas to get a picture of the city skyline. It was fun hunting for the perfect shot. We even were adventurous and hiked on a train track across a bridge, it was a little adrenaline rush.

Mary, this one is for you! ^

For Logan's birthday we all went to the driving range and Logan taught Hanna how to hit a golf ball correctly. Connor was very well behaved and sat at the driving range and watched us hit the golf balls. Then Logan played 6 hole course while Hanna and Connor walked the coarse.

Sushi:
Our home teachers taught us how to make Sushi. We couldn't believe how easy and inexpensive it is to DIY!

 

Arbor Hills Natural Preserve Park:

We love the outdoors and miss hiking the mountains in Utah. To satisfy our desire for the outdoors, we found some "woods" in the middle of the city. It was nice to pretend to be out in the country for a few hours. 

Ranger Game:
Logan's boss gave Logan free tickets to the Dallas Ranger's game. It was the Rangers versus the New York Yankees. Connor had a lot of fun and even got a compliment. The lady next to us said she had never seen a two year old, so well behaved at a baseball game. Such a fun family home evening, looks like going to more games will be in our future.

Church Calling:
Hanna as Activities Day leader. FINALLY I have a calling and am super excited. I am going to be partnered with Crystal Andersen, we will have a blast serving together.

Trials:
I know no one in this life is exempt from trials. Logan and I have experienced a lot of sorrow and joy over the course of our marriage.  The purpose of our family's blogging is to record important events for us, our immediate family, and future family to be able to look back on, in order to grow and learn from each other. I have felt inspired to share our recent, personal hardship that we are currently dealing with.

I have two big fears in life: public speaking and doctors. I physically and emotionally become sick with worry, anxiety, stomach cramps, insomnia, and loss of appetite when asked to either speak publicly or visit a doctor. For the past 9 months we have been wanting to have another baby, but have yet to get pregnant. I never thought I would experience this since we had no problem getting pregnant with Connor. We decided it was time for me to visit a doctor. After a month of researching doctors I felt very overwhelmed with knowing who to go to. I wanted a midwife clinic like I had while living in Utah. However, the insurance we have will not cover the midwife visits. So  I decided on a place that had a set up of doctors and midwives in the same clinic. I thought logically if a doctor works with other midwives then they probably have a lot of the same caring and natural tendencies that I value in midwives. I faced my fears and scheduled an appointment. 

When I met with the doctor I was shaky and feeling sick, but I pushed through it and tried to be open and honest about all symptoms and problems about our current inability to get pregnant. The Doctor seemed to be bored and rushed through the entire appointment. The doctor did blood work and scheduled an ultrasound, then prescribed pills. I left feeling disappointed and gipped out of a $120 office visit. She prescribed two different pills. The first pill would force my body to menstrate and the second pill would increase egg production. I had an uneasy feeling about forcing my body to do something that it should do naturally. In addition, my period was late for two months. I began to think that I was pregnant and I didn't want to take a pill that, if I was pregnant, would force me to miscarry. After researching the prescription to increase ovulation, one of the side effects were tumors. I feel like there has to be another way, other than taking a pill that could cause tumors. So here I am back to feeling like maybe I don't need to go to a doctor since I was able to get pregnant with no problem before, maybe I just need patience?  I'll just continue to research doctors and pray to Heavenly Father to beg him to bless us with a baby.

It has been very hard to watch everyone around me get pregnant and have babies. Two of the women I visit teach, and my visiting teacher have all gotten pregnant within this time frame; some within the first month of trying. I naively confided in my "friend" my frustrations, sadness and sensitive information over the course of several conversations, trying to find friendly comfort and words of wisdom. Instead I was met with more depressing phrases such as, "My period is late, so we might be pregnant", "if I was having a hard time getting pregnant, I would just cry myself to sleep each night", or "yeah, I guess I don't know how you feel, because each time we've tried I immediately get pregnant" to name a few.
On top of these comments and conversations, this "friend" then blabbed to several women in our ward this (at the time) sensitive, extremely private information. So now, instead of having one person constantly reminding me of this problem, I now have (what seems like) the entire Relief Society, most of them currently pregnant, constantly reminding me of this subject.  I get that most of the women are trying to help. I'm just tired of having to be strong during each conversation when all I want to do is breakdown and sob. If all of this wasn't depressing enough, my "friend" decides to rub in my face how easy it was for her to get pregnant only after her first month of trying. Yep, that's right. This "friend" is now pregnant.

Kids have innocently triggered heart ache with comments like "where is your son's brother or sister?", "you should get a baby in your belly for him to play with" or "I'm glad I'm not like Connor, and that I have a sibling to play with". Or the obvious question of adults "so when are you going to have another baby?" Very hard to deal with, emotionally!

I have felt so many different emotions through this whole experience. I have struggled with the negative self thoughts of "maybe the reason I can't get pregnant is because i'm a bad mom" or "maybe Heavenly Father doesn't love me because of my bad teenage choices". I continually struggle on a day-to-day basis on this subject.

I feel lonely and insulated from others. Since I  have a child I can't avoid being surrounded with pregnant moms, or newborns.  I have a guilt weighing heavily on me that since Connor doesn't have a sibling then he needs to be around other kids to learn from. I have to force myself to smile and attend play group for Connor's sake. Then I begin to feel guilty for not being thankful for the child that I have been blessed with. I love Connor more than anything and am grateful to be his mother. I just long to expand my family.

I understand that trials are suppose to be a learning experience and an opportunity to build our faith. Through the Lord's help, I have found relief. He has put in my life a visiting teaching companion and family member who have experienced very similar trials. They have built me up and helped me replace the negative self thoughts with positive perspectives. They, along with my husband, have helped to renew my knowledge of being a daughter of God, that we all individually have different trials, and that by reaching out to Heavenly Father for support our relationship and faith in Him will grow stronger. Some other discussions have lead to the thoughts of Heavenly Father's plan for our family. Maybe Connor needs more alone time with just his parents, maybe the next child (if there is a next child) will need more an older brother who's independent, maybe the next child for some reason is simply not prepared to come from heaven yet. Heavenly Father is aware, and He has a plan for us.

The story of Job from the Old Testament comes to mind. Living the gospel doesn't automatically mean we get what we want and that life is all perfect. We will be tested! I realize that I'm not being punished for the past mistakes of which I have repented. I also realize that being upset and bitter is a choice. Logan and mine relationship is getting stronger! We have proven to each other that neither of us are going anywhere. This has allowed us to lean on one another during trials. Overall, I have been on an emotional roller coaster with strong, positive days being able to endure my trial well and other miserable, lonely, self-pity filled days. This experience is teaching me a lot and I will come out a stronger person for it.